Marriage

I would say I love him very much. My love towards him might not seem very passionate, but I could feel it inside. Nothing can I do, for I have to suppress my feelings to not stress him.

When he proposed, I was actually not very happy.

I understand very well the pressure given by his parents. He is the only child at home, and he has already reached the age of having his own family. All of these pushed him to marry me, who is always easily available by his side.

I strongly believe he has never fallen for me. He would never ever.

We seem sweet at the outside. We hold hands even in front of many people. We whisper in each other's ears. We have our own inside jokes. We do chores together. We sing random songs out loud. We treat each other good food.

Yet, when the door is shut, everything would be different. We never cuddle. We never kiss. We never do anything that normal couples would do.

Yes, we never make love.

I feel lonely whenever he is out for work, or even for hangout. I wonder if the parallel interactions makes me inferior whenever I face him. He is a perfect guy, but he is not my guy. In the same room, even in the same bed, our dreams are never at the same direction.

Perhaps, I am expecting too much. I knew the reason that he would never love me, yet I keep hoping that I could get his attention. To be frank, I have even tried being naked right before his eyes. Sadly, he responded as if he has seen nothing.

 I feel invisible.

To ease my pain, I get quite some hobbies. I learn foreign languages. I do landscaping. I bake cakes and cookies. I cook cuisine of different countries. I even do analysis on movies.

Talking about movie analysis, there was once I wanted to work on a Thai movie. I do not own any copy of the movie, so I went to the place of a friend of my husband to borrow one. He is my good friend that my husband introduced to me when we were in Italy for a vacation. Meanwhile, I wanted to visit him since I didn't see him after my wedding dinner.

I drove to his apartment alone. When I was shutting the door of my car, I was planning what to cook for dinner tonight. It is rare for my husband to have his dinner at home. Focusing too much on my thoughts, I reached my friend's house without noticing.

I knocked the door. No one answered. I knocked after a minute. No one answered, still.

Then I attempted to call him, just to check if he was out. The door opened.

He seemed like in a rush. His hair was messy. His singlet was inside-out. He was wearing shorts.

I tried my best not to chuckle, while looking at his nervous face. He breathed so hard as if he had just had a roller-coaster ride.

When I wanted to speak, I saw a guy running our from the corridor which links the living room to my friend's room. He was on a tower covering his waist and below.

"Who's that, my dear?"

My jaw dropped.

He is the one who sleeps beside me every night. He is the one who whispers in my ears. He is the one who smiles sweetly when he tastes my cakes.

He is my husband.

I wonder if I teared. I wonder if I look awful. Either way, I left the apartment right away.